


Hijikata's Strange Addiction

by Cerulean_Gaze



Category: Gintama
Genre: M/M, Other, Parody of Strange Addiction, Praise Mayonnaise, crackfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-24
Updated: 2019-02-24
Packaged: 2019-11-04 16:49:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,205
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17901851
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cerulean_Gaze/pseuds/Cerulean_Gaze
Summary: “… I’m Hijikata Toushirou, and I’m here today to talk about the glory of mayonnaise.”~~~Inspired by Sweetysweetssugarytreats's "Gintoki's Strange Addiction"!





	Hijikata's Strange Addiction

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Sweetysweetssugarytreats](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sweetysweetssugarytreats/gifts).



> Aha... Here's my version of "Strange Addiction: Hijikata Version"! Please Enjoy! ♡

 

 

>   ** _This program depicts addictive behaviours that are dangerous and risky in nature._**
> 
> **_Viewer Discretion is advised._ **

* * *

_Today, we will discover a man with a strange addiction— or food preference, as he mentioned — named Hijikata Toushirou._

* * *

“… I’m Hijikata Toushirou, and I’m here today to talk about the glory of mayonnaise.”

 

* * *

_Toushirou has an addiction of eating mayonnaise every single day. It was also known that the man also has addiction of smoking, but since it wasn’t that unusual, we will focus on his strange addiction of mayonnaise._

_According to the research, he takes about a dozen of mayonnaise in a week. This could mean that he would have a mayonnaise intake about 372 bottles in a month, and approximately of 4000 bottles in a year. In total, a year of mayonnaise consumption would accumulate of 15,942,857.1 calories._

* * *

“As far as I remember, I started eating mayonnaise when I was a kid. My older brother told me once that I accidentally mistaken his bottle of mayonnaise as milk when I was an infant, but well… Not like it doesn’t sounds bad, anyway. Brother seems to be fond of mayonnaise as well, after all.”

 

* * *

_Confirming the said statement, Hijikata Tamegorou unexpectedly haunted the crew with delight at the end of the interview._

* * *

_Hijikata Tamegorou, Deceased Brother of Hijikata Toushirou._

“… It was a pleasure to know that my younger brother still have his interest in mayonnaise. Ah, yes, I’m Hijikata Tamegorou. Please don’t run away.”

 

* * *

_After the crew managed to calm down, we asked permission if we could take him an interview footage and gave us time to have his own thoughts about his younger brother’s addiction._

* * *

_Tamegorou:_

“… Yes, our family is really fond of mayonnaise. I can’t say that it’s an _addiction_ , but a _tradition_ , rather. All I thought that I would be the last one to continue our tradition when Toushirou-san unexpectedly took my mayonnaise bottle and suck it when I was preparing for his milk. I’d say that it was _strange_ encounter that he would manage to take down one bottle in a single suck, and he won’t stop crying unless we gave him another one.”

 

* * *

_Even his brother found Toushirou’s beginning of mayonnaise addiction odd; it was way odder as how Toushirou grew up along with it._

* * *

_Kondo Isao, Guardian and Superior of Hijikata Toushirou._

“… It was way too long since Toshi started eating mayonnaise with everything! Say… I could even remember one time when he’s still a child and someone made fun of mayonnaise at kindergarten. Well, it didn’t end up well since Toshi literally choked the poor guy with his mayonnaise. Toshi really loves mayonnaise that bad, and I understand it… although it sometimes gets out of hand since he assumed everyone loves mayonnaise as well… HAHA!”

…

~~_‘… Uh, you can cut out the last part, right?’_ ~~

 

* * *

 

_Toushirou:_

“Who would hate mayonnaise? Everyone uses mayonnaise through their lives, from their sandwiches and vegetable salads… It actually pisses me off that this food preference of mine is considered and addiction. Like— What? Mayonnaise is used universally as a golden condiment! It contrasts the distinct taste of a certain dish, and the more distinct should mean the more delicious the dish is; only ends up with conclusion that ton of Mayonnaise makes the dish truly delicious.”

* * *

_His boyfriend also sees Toushirou’s addiction strange that it sometimes push their relationship on the edge._

* * *

_Sakata Gintoki, partner of Hijikata Toushirou._

 

“I’m Sakata Gintoki, and I really found Oogushi-kun’s mayonnaise _gross_. Ah, not the mayonnaise he has _down there_ to his junior, but I meant is his addiction about it. Like seriously, he always put that sour-smelling shit on every food we have, _and_ even to my beloved sugar?! _That’s such a disgrace! A disrespect!_ I love him, but if he ever _fucking dare to disgrace my beloved sugar, I’ll seriously shove it to his *ss and **** him until he—”_

* * *

_Toushirou’s bizarre love of mayonnaise sometimes can be mistaken as his twisted sanity by his colleagues._

* * *

                _Okita Sougo, Colleague of Hijikata Toshirou._

“He’s insane when it comes to mayonnaise. He even once licked the floor when I wasted his beloved mayonnaise on the floor, and also jumped off the building when I threw a bottle of it outside the window. You could probably see how much mayonnaise rots someone’s mind.”

 

* * *

_Yamazaki Sagaru, Colleague of Hijikata Toushirou._

“All I have to say that Vice Chief truly loves mayonnaise that he always request his coffee with a mayonnaise on top. I don’t want to be choked with mayonnaise in death so…”

 

* * *

_Along with the bizarre passion of his towards mayonnaise, it also gives Toushirou some few bonus satisfactions to his addiction. And by mean of his satisfaction, it was hell for his victims and witnesses of the acts._

* * *

    

           _A Subordinate of Hijikata Toushirou._

“I can still remember Vice Chief choking one of our suspects with mayonnaise during interrogation… It’s not like it’s not effective, anyway, but I’m afraid that… Uh, it looks so weird? The suspect seems look traumatized for his whole life, too…”

 

* * *

_A Victimized Suspect of Hijikata Toushirou._

“… T-That yellow thing… _It’s a hell! A judgment!_ I-It still gives me nightmare w-when that thing fills my throat— D-Disgusting! I never imagined that those damned government is _this_ brutal with us! _It’s not too late, my dear comrades! Please reconsider doing our plans before he comes aga— !”_

_(Hijikata: “So your faction actually plans something? This looks like another interrogation for us, huh…”)_

“NO— I-I DIDN’T MEAN SAYING IT LIKE THAT! I MEAN— _BLURGH—_ “

 

* * *

_Due to Toushirou’s sudden outburst during the interview, the following footage were cut for the sake of privacy and little bit of the viewers’ innocence._

_We asked the witnesses’ concerns about Toushirou’s addiction._

* * *

_Gintoki:_

“He needs help. He needs help before I strangle his neck.”

 

* * *

_Isao:_

“Err… I think that everyone has odd addictions, right? I actually have this strange one staring on radishes back then when I was still young and in my thorny phase… Like, some of radishes look like a woman’s legs back then and I—“

 

* * *

_Sougo:_

“I’d say that he needs help in killing himself. I’ll volunteer as the executioner as a last wish being his friend. If not, I hope he chokes himself with mayonnaise and die.”

 

* * *

_Sagaru:_

“I think it’s alright as long as he spares me from his mayonnaise… I just hope he won’t let anyone see him sniffing mayonnaise through his nostril, though.”

 

* * *

_As a conclusion, Toushirou’s addiction of mayonnaise makes people uncomfortable._

_Before the interview ended, Toushirou showed us his different collection of mayonnaise on the fridge, only ended up of his boyfriend suddenly attacking him for throwing out his sweets and having each other’s’ throats as they argue about their food preferences._

_It was still in question of our interest about Kondo Isao’s mentioned addiction of w*nking himself off with radishes._

_The crew decided not to remember seeing Okita Sougo putting laxatives on their office’s stock of mayonnaise._

_Up until now, the said victim of mayonnaise is under screening of his sanity and mental state after his experience going through another mayonnaise interrogation._

_Yamazaki Sagaru lastly wonders if he would be later spared by his Superior after confessing his observations to the public._

**Author's Note:**

> I just really love mayonnaise as Hijikata does, and I didn't even expected that there's actually such character that fiercely loves mayonnaise before I discovered Gintama. Just imagine the odd coincidence... I've been never this grateful than before!
> 
> Also, I got this funny idea from Sweetysweetssugarytreats since they made Gintoki's version of it. They'll make another version of it, and also the others' versions too so please join me looking forward for their wonderful works! uwu ♡
> 
> Have a nice day/night ahead! I love y'all. ( ͡~ ͜ʖ ͡°) ♡


End file.
